The Trekker's Guide to the Galaxy
by Dancingdog
Summary: Space. The final frontier. This is the voyage of the Starship Enterprise. It's mission: to explore the infinitely improbable universe of The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy. To seek out the meaning of life, the universe and everything in it. And of course, the number 42. To boldly go where no man has gone before!
1. Chapter 1

"Captain's log: Star date 2342.5. We have located and tracked the movements of a large, uncharted ship moving at warp factor 8 towards what seems to be our own planet Earth. The ship will not respond to any hailing frequencies and seems reluctant to take note of our presence. We have concurred that the ship is not under human operation and will be therefore treated as suspicious. Caution will be taken in case of any hostilities. Captain out." Captain James T. Kirk announced into his recorder as his First Officer strode over to his side.

"Captain, it seems as though the ship we are currently tracking is slowing and appears to be taking a rest stop at the next available planet."

"And that's Earth?"

"Affirmative."

"Have we identified where he's from?"

"I'm afraid not, Ser," answered Checkov, his pronounced Russian accent amplifying his obvious disappointment. "Our scanners are not even able to detect whezer the ship is run by sentient life forms, or not."

"Hmm... Do we know which port he will use?" Kirk asked as he raised himself out of his chair to stand at the navigation panel.

"Not at this time, Ser."

"I guess we'll have to follow him in then. Lieutenant Uhura, contact the Federation and inform them that the U.S.S Enterprise is requesting to land at the next available port."

"Yes, Sir."

"Mr. Sulu, prepare to lock onto the given co-ordinates."

"Yes, Captain."

Kirk paced to the ship's intercom system and reported, "Attention. We are going to have an unscheduled landing during the next half hour on our home planet, Earth. I would advise you to stay on board for the first hour, but after this I am permitting a short shore leave, as I am sure that none of you would object to a stretching of the legs. However, we are here due to an unidentified ship, possibly hostile, landing in a port, unknown at this time, with unknown intentions and of an unknown race. As you can see, there are a lot of variables to this visit. I would like to investigate this ship further and hopefully gain knowledge of its reasons for landing, so I urge you take caution. Kirk out."

"Captain, I am unable to reach the Federation. They're not responding," informed a shocked Uhura.

Kirk raised his eyebrow, a mirror image of the Vulcan opposite him.

"Have you tried contacting the port directly?" The Captain asked.

"Yes, Sir. Multiple times. They won't respond either."

"I see... Mr. Scott," replied Kirk before turning his attention to the bridge's communicator. "Is everything alright down in the engine room?"

There was a moment's pause before a thick Scottish accent bellowed out of the speaker.

"Aye, Cap'n. Why? Is there a problem?"

"Our communications officer can't get through to the Federation, or Earth for that matter. I was wondering if you'd noticed anything wrong in the main circuit boards of the ship?" Said Kirk although it came out as more of a question.

"Nay Cap'n. I hav'nae seen anythin' out of the ordinary. IC's are at maximum operatin' capacity."

"Oh. Well thanks anyway Mr. Scott." A quick "nae a problem" was uttered before Kirk shut off the receiver.

A stumped captain frowned to himself before asking silently if his First officer could provide an explanation, to which the Vulcan tilted his head slightly to one side in an act of confusion.

"I believe that the most logical option would be to energise upon the planet's surface, Captain."

"I suppose. It would have been nice to restock the Enterprise though, in case we had to prepare for a diversion of some sort in the future."

"Like this one?"

"...Yes, like this one, Mr. Spock."

* * *

After an assigned team had been beamed down to the planet's surface (consisting of Kirk, Spock, Doctor McCoy, Mr. Scott and Ensign Ricky LaVida; a young man in his twenties, quite handsome, but not overly so, with a full head of shining black hair. Guess who's not coming back...) all five had to pull their various instruments out in order to scan for the unidentified ship they had been tracking... only to remember that their scanners couldn't pick it up.

"Jim, next time you have a brain storm, could you please let me know? I would rather like to examine that empty space in your skull."

"Of course, Doctor. It's good to know that my officers have so much confidence in me."

Suddenly, a low grunt was heard from behind the group followed by a yelp from Ensign Ricky who had been bitten on the thigh three times by a... creature. It resembled the likes of a pig, but only slightly. It was a muddy brown colour with two long cream-coloured teeth curling over its top lip, below a small snout and a wisp of hair standing upright on its forehead. Its eyes, unlike a pig, were red and large as it stared up at its apparent victim. The odd thing about it was that the creature was bipedal (with both trotters and stubby fingers) and wore torn (if not dirty) black and grey clothes; a small hole at the back of its' pants allowing a short, scrawny tail to drape behind the creature.

Ricky managed to kick the 'pig' away from himself, prompting a screech from the thing, before it turned tail and skittered down the street... and fell into a manhole.

Scotty raised an eyebrow. "Are ye sure this is Earth, Cap'n?"

Instead of a verbal response the men did a quick look around the area in hopes of spotting any humanoid figures (all except Ricky who was checking his thigh to see if there was any blood. There wasn't but he now sported a ripped uniform).

The street was very similar to that out of an old detective story. 'Sherlock Holmes' comes to mind. The buildings either side of the narrow road were old and small, constructed of stone and cracked, grime-covered glass for windows. The streets were cobblestone, a fashion that was outdated in the late twentieth century, and there were small plants (known as weeds to most humans) growing out of each crack in the pavement. The streetlights flickered on and off every so often and the whole place seemed completely deserted, with the exception of a few grunts and squeaks here and there whenever you walked past a drainage grid. Overall, the place just seemed dull and dingy; not at all like Earth as the men remembered.

After twenty minutes of fruitless searching, the team met up.

"Anything?" Asked the Captain hopefully. He was greeted with shakes of heads from the others and a raised eyebrow, supplied by Spock.

"I have concluded that this is not your planet, Captain," the First Officer stated.

McCoy rolled his eyes before asking, "What made you come to that conclusion?"

Spock merely glanced at the good Doctor before addressing Kirk with his reply, "I saw two more of those creatures further down the street. They were engaged in some sort of physical display when they turned and saw me. They charged me so I kicked them away, but it seemed that they were looking for something and promptly charged me again. When I tried to kick them away, one of them came from behind and grabbed my phaser."

Even though McCoy and Spock were notorious for their fights and arguments, Kirk noted that McCoy had taken to discretely looking the Vulcan over for any injuries when Spock had mentioned the last part of his story.

"You don't seem to be harmed," commented Kirk slowly as he caught the relieved posture of his CMO in the corner of his eye.

"Correct, Captain. The creature took my phaser and both retreated a few metres from me, where they..."

Hesitation? From a Vulcan? Something was wrong.

"Where they what, Mr. Spock?" Pressed Kirk, concerned.

A brief look of confusion crossed the half-Vulcan's face, but it was gone as quickly as it appeared.

"...Where they _shot themselves_."

Scotty's expression was almost comical with the way his eyes seemed to bulge out of their sockets, whereas McCoy's eyebrows had flown upwards, Ensign Ricky seemed distasteful for the thing that bit his thigh. Kirk looked a little lost.

"I guess I'll have to agree with you that this is not Earth, Mr. Spock. But, our scanners showed that this was the exact position of Earth in our solar system, and the streets here are very similar to our own, yet there seems to be not a single human life form in the vicinity. So where are we?"

"I believe I can answer that, gentlemen," replied an annoyingly enthusiastic voice out of seemingly nowhere.

The team of five quickly turned their heads in all directions in order to locate the voice, but it proved in vain. The voice didn't seem to notice.

"My, you look like a tired bunch of fellows! Why don't you sit down and rest? I'm sure my captain would love to meet you! You have evolved from this planet, haven't you?" The voice happily chattered.

Kirk glanced warily at his men before carefully replying, "No... We don't come from this planet. We are what you may refer to as 'space travellers'. We have come to... rest and refuel."

"There's no need to lie, my good Sir!" Insisted the jovial voice. "My scanners indicate that you have been following us for the past 6.3 hours. I'm going to take a wild guess and say that you believe us to be hostile?"

Spock's eyebrow took its cue to jump to just below his hairline.

"You presume correctly. Who, are we to believe that you are?"

"The ship that you are following."

"Well done, Sherlock," muttered McCoy sarcastically, earning a pointed glance from both Kirk and Spock.

"My name's Eddie, not Sherlock!"

McCoy threw the dull, grey sky an exasperated look as he deduced that they were conversing with a dim-witted five year old with the mental capacity of a plant.

"Alright Eddie..." tried the Captain, "Would it be possible for you to give us the location of your ship?"

"I'm on the second street to your left!" That voice was beginning to grate on Ensign Ricky's nerves.

Kirk, once again, glanced at his teammates; he'd asked for the _ship's _location, **not **the crew's. Never mind that this 'voice' seemed to be able to pinpoint exactly where they were standing. Ah well.

"Ah... thanks..."

"No problem, Sir!"


	2. Chapter 2

After fifteen minutes of walking (eight of which were spent trying to release Ensign Ricky's thigh from the jaws of yet another 'pig'), the five men finally reached the street, which had been offered by the voice. To the men's surprise, the street contained a large, pristinely white and sparkling sapphire, spherical object, which Mr. Scott successfully identified as the uncharted ship that they had been following.

"Isn't she a beauty, Cap'n?" Asked Mr. Scott in awe. "I've never seen anythin' like 'er."

"Restrain yourself for now, Mr. Scott. Don't forget, we still don't know whether this ship and its crew intend any harm, and I _would not_ like to come back to the Enterprise with casualties."

"Aye, Cap'n. I guess yer right. But what do we do now?"

"Maybe we should try to get into contact with 'Eddie' again. He seems to want us to meet up with him and his Captain. Set phasers to 'stun'."

McCoy sighed audibly. "Must we really get into contact with that five year old? He has the mentality of a child! What could he possibly know that would be of use to us?"

"It's his ship, McCoy."

"No, he is _on_ the ship, Jim. It doesn't mean that he'll know anything about its missions. He could be a passenger for all we know."

"...Still... It's worth a try. You may be surprised; we may learn something!"

"...Your optimism sickens me at times, Jim." A grin greeted the Doctor's words.

That being said, the five men stalked silently towards the ship, phasers targeted at the sphere.

"Hey there fellas! Woah! What have you got in your hands, there? Surely you don't think we mean you harm?" A groan from McCoy greeted the excited voice of Eddie.

"Precautions are necessary," replied Kirk, evenly.

"As are the nuclear, heat seeking missiles that I have currently locked onto your positions," chirped Eddie.

If Spock and McCoy's eyebrows could lift any higher, they'd be part of a bird's nest in a very tall tree, well, that is, if this planet had birds. Kirk and Scotty, on the other hand, were openly gaping at the ship, which had claimed merely moments ago that it didn't mean any harm. Ensign Ricky looked as if he was going to throw up.

"...What?" Kirk managed.

"As you said, Sir, it is merely a precaution. I must protect myself and my captain," informed Eddie, happily.

McCoy's eyeballs practically bulged out of their sockets. "**_Precaution?!_** Listen kid, don't you think you're being a little too careful?! I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd want to protect my Captain, here, from five strange aliens, but training high intensity weapons on them when they only want to talk is taking it a bit far, don't you think?!"

There wasn't even a pause as Eddie replied, "You seem to have been mistaken, Sir, for I am no child."

"That's not the point!" McCoy yelled, earning him a frightened glance from the Ensign. "Use you head boy! We don't want to fight! Our weapons are only set to stun! I'm a Doctor; I _save_ lives, why on Earth would I want to fight?!"

"Surely you mean, use my processor, Doctor?" Eddie commented joyfully but with a hint of smugness.

"...Huh?" The good Doctor answered, intelligently.

"I do not have a 'head' and a 'mind' like you Doctor. I have a processor and a database."

"...You mean to tell me that we've been talking to a computer?"

"That is correct, Doctor. I am Eddie: computer for the 'Heart of Gold'; the ship that you have been tracking."

Kirk frowned in thought before asking, "Your Captain and crew. What species are they?"

"Two human, two Betelgeusians, one depressed automaton, two rodents," listed Eddie without hesitation.

"That's all? You only have four sentient crew members?"

"No, seven."

"I highly doubt that a machine and two rats can control a ship," muttered McCoy. Both Kirk and Mr. Scott grinned at each other like two Cheshire cats. Even Spock had a barely-there smile on his lips. Ricky seemed unsure of the whole situation.

Eddie seemed puzzled. "Mice, Doctor, and why not?"

McCoy laughed at hearing the utterly befuddled tone of the ship's computer. "Imagine that! A ship being controlled by two little, furry, white mice! And a machine controlling a ship! It's the '_M5_' incident all over again!"

"What's an _'M5'_?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Oh..." Eddie sounded deflated. "...I think you should watch what you say, Doctor. After all, these 'mice' aren't actually mice; it's just their cover story."

I new burst of laughter, more powerful than before, erupted from McCoy, Kirk and Mr. Scott. Even Ensign Ricky and Mr. Spock couldn't help but share an amused glance.

"Let me guess. I suppose that you're going to tell us that these so-called mice are actually some _vastly hyper-intelligent beings, _which somehow managed to sneak their way into our dimension?" Captain Kirk asked through snickers.

"Quite correct, Captain."

Now that stopped the humour dead in its tracks. All five Star ship crewmembers shared an uneasy glance.

"That was rhetorical."

"It was also, essentially correct, and only lacking a few details."

"...Details? They're mice! What could I..._we_ be missing?"

"I take it from the use of the plural noun 'mice' and the Doctor's euphemism of _'Why on Earth'_ you are actually from Earth, yes?"

"...Yes. Why, is there another term for the word 'mice'?"

"Multiple. Several of which would be incomprehensible to your simple human minds. But I'm afraid the mice have been conducting experiments upon you."

Ricky sighed in relief, despite just having had his and his species' intelligence insulted. "Ah. I see where you're confused. It is _us _who have been experimenting on _them_. We observe them through glass to analyse their behaviour, to check how they react under certain events or conditions. It's usually done in behavioural research laboratories."

"Your ability to misinterpret this relationship between human and rodent was according to their plans and yet, it never ceases to prove illogical. Why are you so convinced that they are not just as capable of doing exactly the same thing to you, only with more subtlety and elegance, from the _other side_ of the glass?"

Kirk was developing a headache. This nonsense had to stop.

"Your Captain... may we see him?" Pleaded the confused Captain as he massaged his aching temple.

"Of course! I'll beam you aboard!" Eddie replied in that gratingly enthusiastic voice, which had no rights to be so chipper after such a bizarre explanation. Well, at least the beaming was familiar...

* * *

_A/N: I don't own any characters in this story and yes, some of the phrases in here are used in the novel The Hitch-hiker's guide to the Galaxy. All the planets and creatures in here are real (they're mentioned in the book), so you can actually look them up! _


	3. Chapter 3

The beaming method was definitely **not **familiar. There was no time to even think before each of the five men's molecules were dispersed and collected in the most unusual manner.

"We currently have five bipedal beings in loading bay 5.1, and will be restoring normality as soon as we are sure what is normal anyway," announced a calm, soothing female voice.

Doctor McCoy groaned; it felt as if his intestines had become a part of his throat, and his head was aching as if someone had used a blowtorch to melt his brain. The good doctor put his hand, or what he assumed was his hand, to his head, only to find that it was cold, had no hair and seemed to be cylindrical in shape. When he brought his hand back down to his side, he realised that it wasn't his hand at all and was actually a long, rectangular piece of chequered fabric. Where his neck and shoulders should have been, there were several loops attaching to the cylinder from before.

"Jim, I feel like a pair of curtains..." How was it even possible to talk?!

"Oh, pull yourself together, Bones." Came the disorientated reply, oblivious to both the pun and the scowl he was receiving from hand-weaved fabric.

"Captain, you seem to have morphed into a 'pair of curtains' yourself. As have the rest of us." How was Spock acting so calm? They had all been changed into someone's window decoration and the Vulcan was acting as if he was sipping tea in the rec. room on the Enterprise!

"Huh? Oh... yeah..." Kirk replied intelligently, his drapes pulling together and apart with each syllable.

Suddenly, there was a loud _pop_ and a click as the ship's intercom system fired to life.

"Normality restored, hope you have a pleasant day," stated the woman's sweet voice.

McCoy looked around himself to notice that the five Star Ship members were indeed back to their original selves.

"Fascinating," supplied Spock. The doctor groaned, again.

A _whoosh _and a satisfied _"humnayayayahmmm" _startled the five men into turning their heads towards a mechanised sliding door, as a set of heavy, echoing footsteps clanged down the hallway, resonating off the walls of the loading bay. A short (by human standards), pearl robot, with dull green eyes (making it look as if the machine was utterly depressed) and a head that seemed slightly too large for its body, entered the room. The doors slid shut behind it with another satisfied _"hmmmmmm"_ and the newly entered machine shot a contemptuous glance at it.

"I despise them so much," the machine moaned in the most depressing tone the five men had ever heard. "Who are you?"

"I'm Captain James Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise under the command of Starfleet-"

"I know that. You've been following us for the past 6.3 hours. I wasn't created yesterday. I meant which planet are you from?" Groaned the robot, as if he was conversing with a rock.

"Earth," replied the Captain, with a glance at Spock.

"Oh no. Not more humans. I can't stand them," muttered the miserable machine, with his head hung low. "What about the other one?"

"...What other one?" Kirk replied warily as Spock slowly lifted an eyebrow.

"The cold-blooded one with pointy ears," demanded the robot in its glum voice. "Where's he from?"

"I'm a vulcan," replied Spock with interest, "and you are?"

"Depressed."

There was a pause as the men tried to gather their wits about them at the same time as work out where they were, who this despondent machine was, or was operated by, and why they'd agreed to beam down in the first place.

"I see..." replied Spock in an unsure manner. "Would it be possible to give us your name, or operator?"

"Marvin. Not like you'd care though. And if you are referring to my creators, they are '_Sirius Cybernetics Corporation'. _I am part of their_ 'Genuine People Personalities' _technology, and a failed prototype at that. I'm surprised that you've not collapsed in boredom."

"...May we see your Captain?" Asked Kirk desperately.

"Sure. Why not? Don't mind me, I can always talk to the dead rat in my leg cavity," grumbled Marvin. "Are you coming or not?" The android asked as he waited at the doors for his reluctant followers. "Here I am, brain the size of a planet and I'm asked to escort a bunch of _humans _to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction, because I don't... and there's that sense of déjà vu again," grouched the automaton. He sighed heavily when the five men reached him and proceeded to glare distastefully at the doors when they opened with a comment of _"It's our __**pleasure**__ to open for you. Hmmmmmm"_.

Ensign Ricky stared, open mouthed, at the doors. "Um... Marvin? Why do the doors speak?"

"They're programmed with a cheerful and sunny disposition, and it is their pleasure to open for you and their satisfaction to close for you with the knowledge of a job well done," intoned Marvin as the sarcastic diodes in his voice modulator kicked in.

"What year is this?" Asked Ricky, who was worried that if things didn't start making sense soon, he'd reach a catatonic state.

"1979, the same as it has been all this year."

And there was that catatonic state. Or was it delusion? No, it was just pure panic.

"1979?! Impossible! When we were on our ship we were in the year 2268!" Stated a near-hysterical Ensign.

"Alright, I'm only here," mumbled Marvin.

"...I'm afraid we're a little out of our time zone here and the worst part is we don't even know how we got here," replied Kirk dazedly as he too, tried to comprehend the fact that they were nearly 300 years behind their own time without even noticing a change.

"It doesn't surprise me," replied Marvin woefully.

"What do you mean?"

"You'll find that this sort of thing happens often on this ship. You get used to it. It becomes tedious after a while, in my opinion. Not that anyone cares what I have to say though. You know, I've been complaining about these faulty diodes in my left leg for the past, what, 5400 years. Has anyone done anything about it? Nope. And now the capacitors are starting to leak; I can feel the charge trickling down my joints. Still, why would anyone bother? Nobody cares about the vastly intelligent robot with a paranoia complex; what does he matter? He's only saved his Captain's and his hair-brained friends' life on multiple occasions..."

The men didn't even try to intervene during the android's rant. They were too busy trying to figure out a plan to get themselves back to where they belonged by quietly discussing their problems with one another.

"Are you even listening? Of course not..." A long sigh. "Well, here we are. The bridge. Nothing spectacular. If you don't need me I'll go and rust in that corner." And with that, the depressed android shuffled off to said corner to undergo the slow process of oxidation, but not before staring spitefully at the doors they had just entered through, which were oozing with self-satisfaction and a certain smugness which should be illegal in over 30 different Earthen countries.

"...Errr..." Commented a highly confused Mr. Scott. "What now, Cap'n?"

"I suppose we wait? For the Captain of this ship," answered a seemingly unsure Kirk.

The five men took a chance to look around the bridge. It was nothing at all like the Enterprise's bridge; the room was a lot larger with sparkling white walls surrounding it in an almost semi-circular shape. Instead of a viewing screen, there were massive, triple-glazed, vacuum-sealed windows at the front of the ship, allowing in an amazing amount of starlight which seemed to glitter on the floor. The ceiling had a multitude of spotlights, all of which had the capacity to change colour to set a desired mood. To the far side of the room, there was a small bar containing all sorts of colourful concoctions, which Scotty was itching to check to see if there was any scotch as his own supplies were running dangerously low. On the other side of the room, there was a control panel, again much larger than the Enterprise's and with seemingly different functions, such as the numerous dials, flashing lights and randomly placed display screens. Underneath the glass viewing window lay another control panel, this time much smaller but with more important-looking buttons and switches adorning its glossy finish, including a large, roller switch, which was a shimmering white in colour and had intricate blue swirling patterns engraved around its crystal-like centre, with the words _'Improbability drive - DO NOT TOUCH'_ emblazoned just above it.

"_Hmmmmnnnyaaaaaa. It's such a __**pleasure**__ to open for you._"

The doors' announcement snapped the five Star Ship crew out of their individual musings and brought their attention to the humanoid standing stock still at one of the entrances to the bridge. There was something odd about the man, but it was difficult to tell what other than the aurora of glee and interest that clashed terribly with the stranger's confused facial expression. Kirk subtly placed his hand near his phaser just in case of any tricks.

"Might I ask, who these wonderful gentlemen are, what they are doing on my ship, and if I need to make a quick get-a-way in case these fine fellows are actually the fuzz on their way to maim me brutally?" The strange man asked.

Kirk frowned suspiciously as he tried to recall the definition of the old colloquial _'fuzz'_. "No... We're not here to 'maim' you. Although I would like to know who _you_ are."

"Jolly good! And in answer to your question, I am Zaphod Beeblebrox, Galactic President and owner of the _'Heart of Gold'_," stated the newly named Zaphod grandly.

Spock cocked an eyebrow. "_Galactic President?_"

Zaphod grinned mischievously. "Yes, my fine vulcan friend; Galactic President and owner of this lovely ship on which you are currently situated."

Spock's eyebrows rocketed to his hairline, but McCoy beat him to the punch line.

"How did ya know he was from Vulcan?" The thick Southern accent becoming more prominent as the doctor's suspicions grew another few feet; in 1979 humans knew very little about extra-terrestrial beings (the moon being the only piece of rock outside of Earth they had successfully visited), not to mention the fact that the robot from before hadn't been able to identify Spock's race. So, either this human was from the future (which seemed unlikely) or he wasn't even human to begin with...

Zaphod merely smiled charmingly and replied, "Visited the planet a while back and met a very _shapely,_ young female. She was fascinated with me and so I used some of the usual Beeblebrox charm on her and she was hooked. Let me tell ya, her mental powers: ten out of ten. Although she did get a bit confused between which head she should try her voodoo on. Wouldn't have minded getting to know her a bit better. Bit on the emotionless side though, well, at first..."

Zaphod winked at the stunned quintet and turned towards the bar. Kirk turned his head incredulously towards Spock and McCoy. McCoy's eye twitched and Spock had both eyes closed as if trying to purge the mental image of this bizarre human and an emotionally stunted vulcan doing equally as bizarre _activities_ in a bedroom out of his already perplexed mind. Mr. Scott and Ricky were sharing disgusted glances as they too, tried to forget about the disconcerting scene.

"So then, what brings you to my fantastic ship?" Asked Zaphod with interest, as he was pouring himself what looked like a strongly alcohol-influenced cocktail.

"You're stretching it a bit to say that it's _your_ ship, aren't you?"

"Oh, shut up you depressed bunch of scrap," growled Zaphod as he whirled around to glare at Marvin.

Marvin's shoulders sagged exaggeratedly and the robot stared at Zaphod disdainfully. "Pardon me for breathing, which I don't even do anyway."

"You won't be able to move in a minute, either."

"Why not?"

"I'll have hacked your legs off with a large sledge hammer."

"Sounds wonderful. Can you do the same to the doors as well?"

"No, we need _them_."

"Ouch. That hurt. Oh no it didn't, it's just that dead rat in my leg cavity. Would you like me to go and clean the kitchen? Because that's all I'm good for, isn't it?"

Zaphod rolled his eyes, "Why didn't I throw you out of the airlock when I had the chance?" He muttered to himself.

"Because you need someone to take passengers up to the bridge," came the succinct reply.

Zaphod growled again and stalked over to the bar before noticing that he still had five uniformed men standing awkwardly in the middle of the floor.

"Where are my manners? Would any of you care for a drink?"

The five men's heads snapped upwards at the request.

"Err... What've ye got?" Asked Mr. Scott with a quick look at his Captain.

Zaphod's grin bloomed once again. "Have any of you lads tried a _Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster_?"

* * *

_A/N: Another chapter full of HHGTTG references which are already stated in the book. ;) Hope you enjoyed!_


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